Tag Team Title Fatal 4 Way
So here we've got the Uso's defending in a fuckin fatal 4 way against ma main men the Real Americans, Rybaxel, and they matador cunts (who were at the HoF last night as Primo and Epico, think we're aw daft WWE?). This is on the pre-show so the obvious result is the Uso's retain, which I would be more than happy with... BUT - I'll go out on a limb and say that the Real American lads are gonny take the gold. "Why?" you may ask. Why the fuck not? The booking of this is far too cramped for my liking, so I'm no expecting a phenomenal match, it'll probably be messy as fuck. So aye, Cesaro to Neutralize one of the matadors for the win.
Divas Invitational
Another case of panic-booking at it's finest. AJ vs a hunner and forty other women in a one-fall match. Whit even is this? I heard that aside from the obvious competitors (every diva on the roster) they've also booked Wee Jimmy Krankie for this match. Fuckin mental btw. I love AJ to bits as a wrestler and as the champ, but her tea's oot here - and I want ma Summer to take advantage. Her or Emma, and I'll take Natalya anawl. But realistically, I can't look past big Tamina. Did I mention it's one-fall to a finish? Canny get ma heid roon that.
Battle Royal
I've no got enough care in ma hert to even bother with this, cos if it isny Dolph Ziggler who wins this, am fucking out ae here. The two obvious favorites are Big Show and Alexander Rusev, and ye think with the hype around the Bulgarian Brute, he's the likely winner. But naw, Ziggler or bolt.
The Shield vs Kane and The New Age Outlaws
After a brief face stint as a unit, I think it's finally time to wave goodbye to the Hounds of Justice. It'll break ma fuckin heart so it will. This should be a belter of a match, and a large portion of me wants the Shield to go over together as strong as ever, but I can't get the feeling out of ma stomach that an upset is afoot, followed by a scheme booting by Ambrose on his brerrs. I need these lads to be together longer, but the split is inevitable - so why not on the grandest stage of them all? My prediction is Kane and the Outlaws.
Bray Wyatt vs John Cena
This is the one I'm chomping at a tit to see. The best build up of a match this year in my opinion, and the one I'm most emotionally invested in. Cena defending his legacy, Wyatt trying to unveil oor Johnboy as the lying bastard that he is. A bonafide classic in the making. There'll be a whole load of theatrics and dramatic two counts but fuck I'm ready for it. I'm also ready for Bray Wyatt to take his place as one of the top guys in the company for the next 10 years. If only Mick Foley could be cleared, so I could see the Mankind/Wyatt feud that gies me wet dreams every night. If only. Wyatt to win this battle, and me to sleep happy.
Undertaker vs Brock Lesnar
I really want to be inty this. I promise. If reproducing even half the standard of previous matches, this will be brilliant. But not even Paul Heyman could get me into this. Is there any need in saying that the streak will continue? Didn't think so. Moving on.
Daniel Bryan vs HHH (Winner gets a title shoat)
Both these men have been brilliant in this angle. I can see this contending with Wyatt/Cena for match of the night. My heart says that it's Daniel Bryan who's gonny get this, and go on to lift them belts in the main event. Ma hoose will be Yes-ing like mad. It'll be chaos in the streets of New Stevenston. Windaes gettin panned, dugs gettin volleyed, maws gettin pumped. Aye, I like Daniel Bryan. YES! YES! YES!
Randy Orton vs Batista vs aforementioned winner (WWE World Heavyweight Championship)
This is it. Time for big snakey to slither back under his da's plaster cast. Time for big skinny jeans to go buy some mare skinny jeans, then rip the arse oot them delivering that god awful excuse of a Spear. Time for a young man from Aberdeen, Washington to raise two belts above his heid and let us all have our moment together. No matter how much I expect it to happen, I'll still shed a tear or two when it does. This will be a shiter wrestling wise, because even though Orton and Bryan have fantastic matches, and even if Hunter gets in it, we know he could work a decent match with Orton, the inclusion of Batista just makes me sick. Give Bryan the belts here, or ye lose an otherwise faithful fan of 10 years.
If you're in attendance of a party, or otherwise, I recommend ye don't punch something aff the wall with aw the Yes chants. Enjoy Wrestlemania lads - it should be a cracker.