You know that when the entire locker room is filling the stage at the start of an episode of RAW, your very masculinity will be left in tatters, and you'll be reaching for the hankies to wipe away a tear or two. A video package plays, documenting the career of Ultimate Warrior, and then we observe a silence while the bell is rung 10 times. It's aw too much man. I just wanted to jump in the laptop and give Cody a pat on the shoulder. Aw the feels.
Tonight we have the first round of a tournament to decide the number one contender for the Intercontinental Championship. The winner will face Big E for the title at Extreme Rules... and the first match is...
Alberto Del Rio vs Rob Van Dam
Good to see RVD back and wrestling folk n that. This was a treat anawl, because the chemistry between these two is great, and the match didn't disappoint! Big bad Berty is out the blocks first here, and goes right for Van Dam with some nasty looking stomps. RVD recovers and hits a monkey flip in one corner followed by a spinning heel kick and nice cross body from the other for a near fall. Some back and forth slaps next, and Del Rio gets RVD in the corner to deliver the big enziguire to the shoulder, followed by a nasty kick to the head while big Rab was dangling over the apron. Big E is watching on a TV backstage, and he's stroking that title as if it was a beautiful woman or his boaby or suhin, cos he knows that he's no going to have it after Extreme Rules. Van Dam throws Del Rio over the top rope, and hits a baseball slide. He goes for a moonsault, Del Rio dodges and RVD lands on his feet, but Bert takes his heid aff with a crackin clothesline. After the break, we have a rolling thunder for two, followed by a DDT from Del Rio for two. Del Rio tries to send RVD into the ringpost, but he lands on the second rope and attempts a reverse kick, which he misses completely, but for some reason Del Rio sold as if it caught him. Van Dam picks him up and hits a kick right to the mush, before going for the split leg moonsault, but Del Rio gets his knees up and hits the backstabber for 2. Del Rio goes up top but gets caught with a beautiful heel kick on the way down. RVD goes up looking for some 5-star gidness but Del Rio recovers and sweeps his legs from under him, before hitting the enziguire right to the back of the heid for another near fall. He goes for the cross-armbreaker but RVD counters with a scissor takedown pin for yet another 2! Del Rio goes up top but RVD takes his legs and sends him crashing head first off the turnbuckle, setting himself up perfectly for the FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH! RVD progresses in the tournament, and will face the winner of Mark Henry vs Cesaro.
Backstage, Hunter is giving Randall and Dave the same patter as last week. He wants an Evolution reunion, but it seems that the other two aren't so keen on the idea, and tell him tae shove it up his arse, along with any plan that doesn't involve them getting a title shot. Ok then.
Cody Rhodes & Goldust vs Rybaxel
The more I think about the fact that they didn't have Cody n Goldy split up right before Mania, the more it makes sense. It's a new season lads, and we need to get some good rivalries on the go. The early signs may not be there quite yet, but I get a feeling the long awaited break-up is now on the cards after the brothers Rhodes were beaten clean off two guys who have been the jobber's jobbers of the tag team division for the past 6 months. In all fairness, I do like both Axel and Ryback, and it's no the worst thing that they might be getting a wee push, but if it didny happen, I wouldn't hold it against anycunt. The match wasn't anything special to be honest, and had it not been for quite a braw ending, would probably have been swept to the back of my mind as if it didny happen, as Cody hits Axel with a disaster kick, and goes for the same on Ryback, only to be caught with the only good meathook clothesline The Big Guy has ever hit for the 3. I'm keeping my mind open to it, I reckon the Rhodes lads' time together is now in it's final stages.
Bo Dallas promo. No gonny pretend I'm not looking forward to the annoying bastard on RAW, because he's a great wrestler, and a great heel - mainly because it's so easy to hate the smug fucker. BOlieve.
Paige vs Alicia Foxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (They keep changing the number of x's in her name, cunts)
Yes. This. Every day. Ma Paige comes out looking proud as fuck with that Divas title looking braw as ever over her shoulder. Alicia Fox is there anaw, and she's also looking heavy braw, plus she can wrestle like fuck. Everything about this match was braw, even if it only lasted a few minutes, with Foxy giving Paige the newbie treatment for the most part, pulling the hair to fuck, stomping on every part of her body, a trio of absolutely crackin tilt-a-whirl backbreakers. Ye canny have yer new Divas champ lose her first sanctioned match though, can ye? Of course not! As Paige gets in control, she kicks Alicia right in the breadbasket, followed by three clotheslines, and then she locks in the Scorpion Cross Lock. It was aw manners a beautiful, and looked awfy sair anawl, cos it had oor Alicia tapping in no time. Paige wins, so we all win. Let's bask in her glory. Paige lets out that scream that's had every hair on ma body standing on end many a night watching NXT.
The Usos vs Batista & Randy Orton
Well this was never going to end well, was it? After a somewhat similar start to the same match last week, the Usos go a flying and try to catch the pair a baldy kants out. They get back on top but, and all of a sudden, the Shield boys decide to take matters inty their own hands, and decide that Orton needs to become better acquainted with the steel steps. Batista fends off Ambrose and Rollins but ultimately gets his daft pan cracked by a superman punch from the main man Reigns. Orton and Batista walk away holding their arses together, and by now, that music is beginning to play in our heads. That ticking. It's happening.
Still licking each other's wounds, Batista and Orton bump into Hunter backstage. He told them so. They share a loving glance, before heading to the locker room to lovingly caress each other's dangly bits.
Paul Heyman. That stumpy balding genius of a man. He comes out and speaks about how Brock Lesnar makes the best sunday roasts, and that he occasionally goes round to his for a braw dinner, followed by a homemade apple pie. That's right lads, Brock Lesnar is a domestic god. Aw aye, he also broke Undertaker's Wrestlemania streak. Did ye ken that? Aye? Cos if ye didny beforehand, ye know it now, because Pauly rattles it down our throats, before bringing out his newest client, and international man of mystery - Cesaro.
Cesaro vs Mark Henry (IC Title Tournament match)
Emphatic mate. Emphatic. Mark Henry ate roughly 40 european uppercuts here, evenly distributed throughout many styles. Regular european uppercuts, second rope flying european uppercuts, european uppercuts to the back ae the heid. Ye get the idea, there was a lot of european uppercuts. Followed by the mightiest of aw the Neutralizers. Emphatic. This means that the first semi-final in the IC Title tournament will be Rob Van Dam vs Cesaro, and that should be a cracker.
Steph tells Brad Maddox to go and tell the Shield they've got a match in the main event. She looks amused by his tight clothes and cute smile, but Hunter just grunts apathetically and slips the haun.
Alexander Rusev vs Xavier Woods
Lana is a fine specimen of a human, eh? She just screams "dyno ride". Probably very violent. Here, but, what about big Rusev? The man is a walking war machine. I cried his praises in last week's RAW review anawl, and I'll do the same here. He's just... brilliant. Obviously we haven't seen much of him in terms of main roster stuff, but his NXT work, mostly matches that aren't complete squashes, is great. Xavier just never stood a chance, as he was thrown about like a ragdoll and was tapping out to The Accolade in roughly... a minute. R-Truth tried to attack him afterwards, but he get booted clean in the melt for his troubles. Give the man a challenge, eh? Give us Cesaro vs Rusev and let us live in all it's wonder.
Sheamus vs Jack Swagger (The tourney)
Look at Swaggy, trying to stay relevant and aw that. Quite cute. Sorry pal, yer former buddy Cesaro carried ye for a year straight, no one cares anymore now that he's fucked off and left ye. I take nothing away from Swagger btw. He's a former world champion, smashing wrestler, and a well respected connoisseur of the eld marijuana. But can ye really see Sheamus losing this match? Nah, I didn't think so. Swagger does look solid throughout, throwing Sheamo around with that big throw he does and nearly detaching his foot from his ankle with the Patriot Lock. After a wee dance outside the ring, Swagger throws Sheamus into the ring, runs straight into a Brogue Kick, and Sheamus picks up the inevitable win. He'll face the winner of the match between Wade Barrett and Dolph Ziggler.
Time for an Adam Rose promo. Love the guy. Loved him as Leo Kruger in NXT, and I love him as this as well. With easily the best entrance of all time, and the enthusiasm of a cocker spaniel on ket, I canny wait to see this mental bastard regularly on RAW. As for the entrance - where do I sign up to be a part of that?
Damien Sandow vs Big Show
Sandow ma man, why so serious? Tell ye whit, about time something like this happened. An absolutely beastin promo from Sandow which in turn leads to some sort of title run. He tells us he's no happy, and that he deserves aw the belts. He does anawl. Big Show's music hits, but does that phase oor Damo? No chance. He rants on throughout the entrance, tells him if he wants to say something, that's just tough titty. Then he does something daft. He goes up to Show and starts poking him in the chest. Know what ye get when ye poke a giant in the chest? YOU GET KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT. Show just walks away, unfazed, no giein a fuck. So much for a match then, eh?
Bray Wyatt comes out and dazzles us with his magical words, and by fuck we all listened. He's got John Cena right where he wants him - on the ropes. There is a monster in John Cena, and it's only a matter of time before Bray gets the monster out of him. Then John Cena done what he's best at doing, he comes out and ridicules the Wyatt Family, making every self-respecting wrestling fan look at the screen of their choosing, and ask in unison "the fuck is he actually daein?". Wyatt shrugs off the pathetic excuse for promo work, because he's a god, and things like this don't really bother him that much. Tells John that's all he can do, joke. When there's a genuine threat, joke. Bray sees right through it all. Then it gets serious, as Cena challenges Wyatt to a steel cage match at Extreme Rules. You don't have to ask a Bray Wyatt twice if he's inty a steel cage match. He's foamin at the gash for this. Run.
Santino & Emma vs Fandango & Layla
Naw am sick of it all. This is going nowhere and it never will. Fandango and Layla pick up the win after Emma goes up top, gets distracted by Fandango, and gets pulled doon landing heid first off the mat. I can't see how it gets any more positive than saying it's a score in the W column for Fandango, but just, no.
Kane gets a roastin off Steph for being an absolute fanny. Kane gets angry and gets his auld mask oot. Next week, he's back. No more Corporate Kane. No more suits. Just a big monster ready to scare weans, pump burds and beat the shite oota the occasional wrestler.
Dolph Ziggler vs Bad News Barrett (Tournament match)
Aw man, why dae this to us? These two are brilliant and both deserving of a push, so to stick them together in a match like this is just gutting. Match of the night by a country mile nonetheless, and despite the fact I'm a huge Ziggler mark, I tried to remain firmly on the fence. Typically, Dolph's head gets hit a lot. It's as if he's saying "look, I'm no a lawsuit in waiting, I'm fine, don't release me!". Aye, his heid gets it a lot, and considering his opponent uses a finisher which is an exposed elbow straight to the temple, the match probably isn't going to bode well for ye. After the usual feeling out processes to start the match, and Barrett gets firmly in control, Dolph gets some momentum and hits the running cross-body into the straight jabs to the face. He gets Barrett in the corner for the 10 punches followed by a swinging neckbreaker for the near fall. Ziggler then goes for the fameasser but Barrett avoids it and hits the Wasteland for 2. Big Wade sets Dolph up for a pumphandle slam but Dolph wriggles free and hits the fameasser this time for another 2 count. Barrett blocks a superplex attempt, but Dolph recovers to hit a facebuster from the top rope for... you guessed it... 2. Zig Zig attempt is blocked and Wade hits his best ever winds of change, it was just so beautiful... but even that didn't get the job done! Barrett signals that it's bullhammer time, but Dolph dodges the initial attempt with a schoolboy rollup for two, he then goes for his tornado DDT but Barrett catches him and sends him face first into the mat... then BOOM. Bullhammer elbow. Nae kicking out of that. Barrett goes through to face Sheamus in the second semi-final of the IC title tournament. He gives us some Bad News afterwards - he's going to be the Intercontinental Champion. That's no bad news, Wade.
The Shield vs Del Rio, Swagger, Rusev, Titus, 3MB, Fandango, Rybaxel & Bad News Barrett
We aw knew this was coming. The Shield pay for smashing fuck oota the Authority last week by having an 11 on 3 handicap match. And it was just chaos. Heath Slater was smashing Roman Reigns at one point, and I canny emphasise howo no awright I am wi that. Everycunt got a go at the Shield boays, and it aw broke down when Roman decided enough was enough, ran the circumference of the ring and speared Ryback out his singlet. The bell was rang, social order was not an option, there were bodies flying in every direction. Some mini rallies from the boys gave us a glimmer of hope, but it wasn't to be. And as the hounds of justice lay motionless in the ring...
EVOLUTION IS A MYSTERY...
They're back together. We knew it was coming. It was painful to watch. Aye, they're music is quality n that, but I just don't see the point. Orton and Batista hated each other a fortnight ago, Dave's ears are still ringing fae Hunter's wummin skelping him no that long ago, Orton has no belts anymore. The only saving grace here is that in the near future, we get to see Evolution vs The Shield, and it's due to be an absolute belter, but apart from that, I'm no inty it at all. Figuratively speaking but, if they're back for the long haul, with Hunter taking on the role of Flair, and Orton and Batista taking on the roles of Hunter and... Batista, do they bring in a young guy? And if so, who? I've got a sneaky feeling about Bo Dallas for some reason, because he'll fit the profile perfectly.
Anyway aye, back to what's happening in the ring. Hunter tells the midcard to bolt to fuck, and Evolution (nope, it doesn't feel right typing it) make their way in. The boys get hut with aw the finishers, including that Batista Bomb/RKO hybrid, which might be amazing, but there's something about Orton's timing on the RKO that doesn't do it for me. Try catching the heid at the start of the bomb, Randall, instead ae wating until the recipient is almost on the deck. Reigns crawls towards Hunter, while the boss screams in his face. "Believe in Evolution.", and with that, a Pedigree. I think this might be a cracking rivalry, sure to end with Reigns vs Hunter somewhere down the line. Also, Dean Ambrose deserves acknowledgement for the way he was propped on that bottom turnbuckle after the beatdown. Magnificent. (Canny find a picture of it or it'd be aw up in here.)
Decent RAW, man. Nowhere near as good as last week's mind you, but still deserving of a solid 7/10. Laying foundations for some potentially stoatin' rivalries in the coming months. Pushes in the work for Barrett and (hopefully) Sandow, and the NXT boys getting even more air time. Until the next time chaps, adios.
