The Usos vs The Real Americans
Two of ma favorite teams about. Fuckin yass. Some good teamwork here from both in question, but we all know the Real American's split is coming, and the closer it gets to the big night, ye need to wonder how they'll actually make the match relevant in the slightest. Jey catches a bone-shattering tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. After the break, Swagger charges at Jey but catches a boot to the melt and in comes Jimmy off the hot tag. Nice wee corkscrew senton brings a count of 2, but Zeb makes the distraction to let Swagger get the upper hand. Jimmy hits a nice enziguire on Swagger and Jey gets in to clean up shop and hits the stinkface for 2. Cesaro goes for the swings but gets nailed with a superkick and then one Uso throws him high inty the air only for his brerr to catch him wi a Samoan Drop on the road doon. SAIR YIN. Next we get some flying Usos! Well, a flying Uso, as Jey takes out Swagger, but when Jimmy tries the same with Cesaro, he catches a fuckin uppercut on the way over the rope. Smashin'. Cesaro hits the Neutraliser for the win. Good high tempo match that.
Kane wants The Shield to know that he's the fuckin boss, and they need to start daein what's best for business. Dean Ambrose has a look on his face to suggest Kane just drapped a really heavy fart, and he's no amused at all. Roman stands up tall, tells him not tae worry, and recommends a nice lavender febreeze to lift the dense smell filling the room.
Hornswoggle giein kids presents. Numb wi boredom. There's Wade Barrett, and he's got some BAAAAAAAAAAAAAD NEEEEEWWWWWS. All of us are gawn to go out and get pished on St. Paddy's day and regret all the terrible things we done. It's now the friday after, and I didny go out n get pished on St. Paddy's day. Cheers for rubbing it in Wade.
Sheamus vs Titus O'Neil
Wit? Why? Fuck this to fuck. This ends wi Titus trying tae send Hornswoggle inty orbit, but Sheamus catches the wee fella and launches him heid first inty Titus' baws. Chest beating spot. Brogue kick. Win. Christian attacks Sheamo afterwards whilst he's getting interviewed off Renee Young, who is looking fine as a motherfucka, and hits a Killswitch onto the floor. This is a terrible rivalry that's produced some passable matches. Shite filler match at Mania. Moving on.
John Cena gets slaughtered on the mic off Bray Wyatt here. He steps up first and tells us aw that he's scared of everything that Bray Wyatt does/stands for/shags at the weekend. Bray appears on the titantron and tells John "it's got nothing to do with you, John, who I decide to spend time with on my days off, but for your own peace of mind, I can tell you... IT'S YER MAW." Way to break that kinda news to a man, eh? He goes on to say that he is willing to die in order to show Cena for what he truly is - a false idol, and a liar.
Daniel Bryan vs Randy Orton (No DQ)
These two canny work a bad match together. Magic as always. There's just a really weird chemistry between the two that results in some fine as fuck matches. Throw in some No DQ-ness, and ye get a stauner inducing match. Orton gets on the offensive from the get go, but Bryan changes the tide and gets tae work on Randy's leg, wrapping it around the ring post. Orton introduces a kendo stick and looks at DBry in a manner I've only ever seen when Jerry Lawler catches the attention of a 16/17 year old sitting ringside. He wanted to stick that, eh, stick right up Bryan's arse. Orton gets tae work on Bryan wi the kendo, but Bryan rallies, running clothesline, dropkick in the corner, he gets Orton up top and hits the hurricanrana for 2. Bryan gets the kendo stick, and goes in a kick-stick fashion on his candy ass. Middle rope DDT by Orton, but he gets too complacent and Bryan hits him wi the kendo stick before sending him into the barrier. Orton slams DBry's heid inty the barrier and leathers him wi a chair. Orton gets back into the ring only to be speared by Batista, who CAME OUTA NOWHERE. Bryan clears Batista out the ring and pins Orton, symbolic of what's going to happen on the 6th of April. CLEAR YER CALENDERS DANIEL BRYAN IS GOING TO BE CHAMPION FOR KEEPS.
Paul Heyman said words and introduced a video package of Undertaker in anticipation of his match with Brock Lesnar. Canny say I was inty it. Yer a genius Paul, but nah.
Steph tells Hunter what we all are thinking and questions his logic behind winning the belts. Don't worry Steph hen, he's got it.
Fandango vs Goldust
Shite match. Only thing worth noting was the spot where Goldy scares the shite oota Summer Rae, making her fall off the apron and inty Cody's arms, and she starts stroking his face. He seemingly telt her tae bolt but, cos Brandi was almost definitely watching. Botched ending involving a suplex attempt, Goldust took the huff and hit the Final Cut for the win, before booting fuck ootae some ropes. Strange.
Kane comes out and lets us all know that one man was to blame for the Occupy RAW the week before, and that man is Jerry Lawler. Makes sense, aye. The Shield come out and force Jerry into the ring, with Ambrose looking as mean as fuck, cos he is mean as fuck. The three surround Jerry while Kane talks shite about how hard this is going to be. Seth gets on the mic and tells Jerry that Daniel Bryan won't be coming to save him, and that The Shield always does what's best for business. Then it happened. The face turn happened. As the trio of boayzies instead turn their attention to Kane and gie him a scheme booting. Rollins wi a kick to the heid, Reigns with a spear, and finally rounding it off with the triple powerbomb. I welcome a face Shield, it'll make it even better when Ambrose goes rogue and sets aboot the lot ae them. I like Dean Ambrose.
AJ Lee and Tamina vs The Funkadactyls
Canny even remember who won this match. Based on the fact that AJ was blaming Tamina for aw sorts afterwards and duly received a wedgie, I'll hazard a guess that it was Cameron and Naomi.
Mr T. is going in the hall of fame. Well in, T.
Big Show, Dolph Ziggler, Mark Henry and Big E vs Rybaxel, Damian Sandow and Alberto Del Rio
Shockingly erratic booking. Guess it was only to promote the Mania Battle Royal, so a portion of the folk in it had to start scrappin. Untidy match. Get all the usual gidness from Ziggler, some explosiveness from Big E, some disdain from Sandow, some heid hitting from Ryback, some slamming by Mark Henry, some spanish talking fun by ADR, some glaiket looks from Axel and ultimately, Big Show knocking cunts oot for the win. Making him look strong as fuck for the battle royal, but see, if he wins, I owe Jamie a fiver, so see Big Show? He can fuck off.
Bray Wyatt vs Kofi Kingston
Love how Kofi got a push just to get some hype leading up to his Rumble antics. He's still no got the title shot that he's due, but let's not nitpick. This was about Wyatt going over strong. Nae offence at all from Kofi, he catches that Rock Bottom-esque move, a running elbow to the body, a big splash in the corner, and finally, Sister Abigail to wrap up another squash. At least ye get paid Kofi, eh?
Here we go. Triple H comes out, and basically repeats everything he said to open the show. He asks Daniel Bryan to come out and face the music. Bryan arrives to another rapturous ovation, and then it got a wee bit awkward. As Triple H seemingly has granted DBry his respect, and offers him a hand in sportsmanship, but Bryan declines because he knows there;s something shifty going on here. Hunter goes to leave the ring, but Steph appears, screamin' the odds off, giving grown men across the planet the most uneasy stauner ever. She tells Hunter he's a fanny for giving Bryan his respect, and that there'll be nae gammies for him tonight. She sends the polis doon to arrest Bryan, but HHH jumps in and tells them tae fuck off. But by this point Bryan was handcuffed, and Hunter takes full advantage. Gives him an absolute leathering. throws him about outside the ring, stomps on the poor lad's heid, and finally hits the Pedigree while Bryan was still in cuffs. Steph comes into the ring and takes a necklace aff with the key to the handcuffs on it, and lays it on Bryan's chest. End of show.
I enjoyed this RAW. The main angles were covered sufficiently and then ye had the Shield face turn and an absolute belter of a match between Bryan and Orton, so I gie it a respectable 7/10. It's aw leading up to Mania lads, and Bryan is getting ever closer to getting those belts. 6th of April. Be there or be square.