Thursday 6 February 2014

TBT - Survivor Series 2002

What's happenin'? Danny Cairney here, AKA – Sgt. Rotter. I gave Johnny the title for this blog and he is yet to give me credit for it, so I'm writing a wee “Throwback Thursday” blog. Decided that since the Elimination Chamber isn't far away, I'd review Survivor Series '02, which was host to the first ever Elimination Chamber match (I think.) Looking at the match card, I know watching this PPV is going to depress me mightily, given how bloody good the roster was at this time. The Dudley Boys, Billy Kidman, Victoria, Trish Stratus, Los Guerreros, Chris Benoit, and Kurt Angle. To name but a few. But anyway, here's how it went:

Opens with a Lesnar/Show promo. How are these too still fighting 12 years later? Surely they could've sorted it by now and just be happy that the two of them are hard as fuck and could probably batter anybody's da.
Then an Eric Bischoff promo where he talks about creating the Elimination Chamber. The thing about Eric Bischoff is: while he may have had some good ideas in his time, he's an absolute bellend, and every time I hear him talking, I just want to spit on the floor, but then my floor would be all covered in spit, and that's just a wee bit bogging.
1.       6 Man Elimination Table Tag Match: Bubba Dudley, Spike Dudley and Jeff Hardy vs. 3 Minute Warning and Rico.
Dudley Boys, minus D-Von come out, then are joined by Jeffy boy. I used to lose my shit for his entrance, but seeing it now, just makes me a bit sad, because of the big, pain-in-the-arse junkie he turned out to be. His brother is ten times the competitor he ever was. Then 3 Minute Warning and Rico come out. I won't lie, I didn't know who these guys were so I looked them up, only to discover one of them was UMAGAAAAAAAA. What a guy. God rest his soul. Anyway, they start beating the shit out of each other, til 3-Minute Warning and Rico are all outside, then Bubba chucked his bro Spike out of the ring and onto 3 Minute Warning. It was cool. The Dudleys and Hardy then continue to beat the shit out of 3-Minute Warning and Rico, including a tasty body slam courtesy of Bubba. They then went on to do that cool tag team move the Dudleys did where Bubba holds some poor guy's legs open and Spike does a diving headbutt into the fucker's balls. Then Jeff Hardy does the same, but with a dropkick, instead of a headbutt. Maybe he's a homophobe or something, I don't know. He hates CM Punk, so he might as well hate everything else. One of 3-Minute Warning smashing Spike into table, then spears himself through table, gets up, spinebusters Bubba, Jeff tries a jump at him and gets floored. Spike then reverses a suplex which would have sent him through a table, but then gets powerbombed through one instead. Out. Bubba and Jeff both got bodyslammed off of those big, 3-Minute Warning Boys, who then ascend to the top ropes at opposing corners, only for Bubba and Jeff to stand up and shake the top ropes, resulting in the two Samoan cousins getting what can only be described as a: BAW TWANG. Rosey takes Jeff Hardy out into a small gap in the crowd, with intentions of smashing him through the tables. Bubba hits the classic Bubba Bomb to Umaga. Jeff and Bubba then put Rosey on a table, where Jeff proceeds to do the Swanton from the top of a doorway, eliminating Rosey from competition. Jeff hits an excellent Whisper in the Wind to Umaga. They leave the ring and Jeff ends up spearin' a table that Umaga uses in the most brutal form of self defense I've ever seen. Umaga capitalizes on a groggy Hardy boy, in fact, just make that a Groggy boy. That's it: Matt and Jeff GROGGY. Sounds absolutely horrible if you're Scottish and know what “Grog” means. Anyway, he puts Jeff Groggy onto a table and pulls off a fantastic frogsplash from the top rope, eliminating Groggy. Bubba then powerbombs Umaga through the table, which was – pardon the pun and Nigel Thornberry reference - A Smashing Elimination. The 3-Minute Warning boys decide they don't care if they're out of competition, they're going to play dirty and ensure their main man Rico Sideburns (no relation to Eddie), secures the win for their team. But someone isn't having it. That's right: D-VON RETURNS, then smashes fuck out of 3-Minute Warning and Rico. The Dudleys do a beautiful 3-D for the win.
Outstanding match. I think the “IWC” wouldn't be quite so disgruntled with the plethora of tag matches held on Raw and Smackdown these days if they were more like that. It's a shame big Bubba's in TNA now, because he's fantastic. Would love to see him back at WWE, or failing that, get him on ROH. Just not TNA. Fuck TNA.
Stacy Keibler Segment and Saliva performance
I love this woman. She's perfection. 42 Inch Legs will always be better than 22 Inch Pythons. She makes a joke about Test, calling his fans “Testicles” would be disrespectful to make that joke these days, due to him no longer being “with us” God, that's two guys I've mentioned now that were alive and kicking while this was on, who have now passed away. Terrible. But anyway, onto the performance by Saliva. I only half paid attention to their performance cos I was away to the toilet, but I came back in and seen a clip of Shawn Michaels in a wheelchair. That's a pretty unbelievable storyline for me because Shawn Michaels is the da of having strong legs. Seriously, I bet you could cut his legs off altogether, and new ones would grow in instantaneously and hit you a Sweet Chin Music. I noticed the singer from Saliva looked familiar, only to discover he's the guy who sang the Spider-Man theme with Chad Kroeger. Small world, eh? Anyway, next match.
2.       WWE Cruiserweight Championship: Kidman vs. Jamie Noble (c).
What the fuck happened to these two? They were quality, especially Kidman. Just looked him up, apparently he's a trainer now. Sign me up for classes from him please. Would be gutted if he didn't teach you how to pull then marry one of the top divas in the company. I suppose that would be dipping your pen in the company's ink. Which is kind of frowned upon, but Billy Kidman did it anyway, because he's Billy Kidman. Billy Kidman.
Anyway, I've now crawled out of Kidman's arsehole and back onto my seat to watch the match. Let's begin, shall we?
 Jamie Noble accompanied by Nidia comes down, with his belt on, so I guess he was the champion at this time. I miss the Cruiserweight title a lot. Billy Kidman comes down, and Tazz made a comment about how he wants to shake his booty to the music, then I fell about the floor laughing. I love Tazz. One of the most underrated guys ever. Loads of failed pin attempts to kick us off. Kidman smashes Noble's face into the canvas, then goes up top. Nidia sees her man's in danger, and pulls him out of the ring. Is Kidman phased? Not at all, he merely turns round and hits a beast of a cross body to Noble outside. Kidman throws Noble in and hits a beast of a leg drop from the apron, over the top rope. Kidman spinebusters Noble after he accidentally assaulted his woman. This is a great match. The WWE needs more guys like this, guys who can fucking WRESTLE. They do have them of course: Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler, Cody Rhodes, and Damien Sandow to name a few, they just need to utilize them more. But back to this match. After a pretty even match, Kidman manages to knock Noble over, then hit him a fantastic Shooting Star Press. One! Two! Three! New Cruiserweight Champ. On yersel, Billy.
Kurt Angle Backstage
Did you see that?!” Aye, I did, Kurt mate, and I'm reviewing it as we speak. Aw wait, he's talking to Chris Benoit, but as the WWE sees it, he may as well have been talking to me. Kurt tells him that if Kidman can win the Cruiserweight title, they should have no problem winning the tag team titles, but warns Benoit to stay out of the way of the “team captain.” Benoit's like “NUT!” and stands up and ragingly tells him to repeat himself. Kurt reminds him that they're friends and says that no one can defeat them. Benoit extends his hand for a wee handshake to reaffirm their friendship, and Kurt looks fucking AFFRONTED, before telling him that tag team partners don't shake hands, then says that tag partners HUG, and puts his arms around the mighty Canadian that never existed.
We then get a wee bit of Chris Jericho slapping glass in preparation for the Chamber match. I don't know what help that's going to be. If I was going to be in an Elimination Chamber I'd just eat like seven quarter pounders and chunder all over anyone that comes near me, til they go “That's fuckin' stinkin'” and eliminate themselves.
Victoria's backstage in her dressing room and I'm anticipating a wee bit of sideboob. She'stalking to herself “Mirror, Mirror” and aw that pish. She asks it who the prettiest diva is, and she's that mental that she thinks her mirror told her Trish Stratus was prettier. A MIRROR. She loses her shit and breaks the mirror and tears up a cardboard cut out of Trish Stratus.
3.       Hardcore Match for the WWE Women’s Championship: Victoria vs. Trish Stratus (c).
Promo about how Trish Stratus stole Victoria's thunder. Victoria is raging, as per. I love her. She makes AJ Lee seem like a nice wee lassy who would loan ye a pencil in Maths. Victoria would break her own pencil, and shove half of it in yer eye, and the other up yer chuff, then laugh at you as you bled out both ends.
Victoria enters first, followed by Trish, whose entrance is cut short by Victoria snatching the coat off her back, and choking her with it.Repeatedly. This woman means business. They then fight over a broom. Way to dispel stereotypes from women, WWE! Some crackin' wrestling here with loads of “trash cans.” One of which Trish smacks Victoria's face into. Hardcore. An ironing board is in there too. I'm not a feminist by any means, but this subtle chauvinism from the WWE is a WW WEE bit hilarious. I fucking hate myself for making that joke. Anyway... Trish is being vicious (although she'd probably say “Trishous”) and using any object she can to beat the living shit out of Oor Vicky. Victoria gets a mirror from under the ring – presumably not the one she was talking to earlier cos that was a write off – and goes to smack Trish with it but gets countered. I am REALLY enjoying this match. Two of the tidiest women you'll ever see in your life, battering each other about the ring with all the foreign objects you'd ever want to skelp someone with. Including a Singapore Cane, which is THE BEST weapon ever to be in a wrestling ring. If you disagree, you probably don't know who the Sandman is. BUT-I-DI-GRESS! Victoria SCOOSHES Stratus with a fire extinguisher, pretty much blinding her, before the three-count, and Victoria's yer new Women's Champion. She leaves the ring, making a post-sex face the whole way up the ramp. Victoria's happy, so I'm happy too.
Cut to Booker T backstage: I miss this guy something awful. He's a legend. And he can dance like no one else except maybe Grado.
FIVE TIME.
FIVE TIME.
FIVE TIME.
FIVE TIME.
FIVE TIME.
Now Jonathan Coachman is interviewing Eric Bischoff... Nope. I'm not going to put any effort into reviewing this, cos he's never put any effort into anything. OH WAIT! There's the Big Show, telling Bischoff he's going to be the new Champion. Bischoff shites himself, and I'm happy, cos fuck Bischoff.
Cut to Brock Lesnar. He. Is. A. Tank. Love him or hate him, there is no denying he could probably happy slap you into a coma. Heyman comes out and tells Brock that he's been a nervous wreck since Big Show showed up on Smackdown. He's talking in a really effeminate voice for some reason. Heyman that is, not Lesnar, we all already know he sounds like the Taylor Swift goat. He tells Brock nothing's been the same since Hell In A Cell. I don't know that he's talking about, cos this is from 2002, but apparently Lesnar has a broken rib.
Wee promo with Big Show taking out the Undertaker, and chokeslamming fuck out of the Brock Lesnar. MULTIPLE TIMES. Brock looks like he's hurting, but is still willing to power fuck out of the big show. To the match!
4.       WWE Heavyweight Championship: The Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar (c).
Big Show comes out, wearing jeans and a vest. Or maybe it's the top half of his singlet, and he's shat the bottom half or something. Brock's music comes on and the crowd all lose their shit. I love Brock. And I love his matches with the Big Show. See what I said earlier about them just being pals? Aye, fuck that. I hope they feud forever and fight at every PPV there is. Put them in a Hell In A Cell Triple Threat with Kane, or any other big, fucking powerhouse like Big E or Mark Henry and you've got a Wrestlemania Main Event.
The match kicks off with a stiff lock-up. If either of them wanted to lock up with me, I think I'd run home with jobby falling down my legs the whole way. Big Show does that amazing thing where he just throws Lesnar across the ring, but Lesnar comes back with a Lou Thesz press. Outside now and Big Show slams Lesnar's injured ribs into the ring post. Horrible stuff. These guys are hard as nails. Lesnar hits a massive German Suplex. I love that move, especially when it's performed by two massive fuckers like these. Lesnar knocks the ref out the ring then hits a TREMENDOUS belly-to-belly suplex. As the ref is out, Heyman throws Lesnar a chair, which Show tries to take away from him, but fails, as Lesnar proceeds to beat the shit out of him with it. And hits an F5. A new ref comes down to count, which would have been successful, had Heyman not taken the ref out of the ring and punched him in the face. Paul Heyman could punch yer granny in the face and she'd probably be alright, but as is the rules with professional wrestling, if you're a referee, the slightest tap will put you out of commission for about 10 years. Lesnar's giving Heyman the type of look that says “A swear tae fuck, Heyman, if that was you that ate my Toffypops, you are GETTIN' IT.” He chases Heyman, before receiving a chokeslam onto the steel chair, disposes of the chair, and a ref crawls back in, counts to three, and we have a new WWE Champion. Excellent pro wrestling match between two huge fellas, both of whom are amazing what they do.
Tag Team promo where we see Benoit and Angle becoming the first Tag Team Champions, Angle taking credit, and getting smacked by Benoit, knocking Stephanie McMahon over, so she happy slaps the two of them. I've said happy slap twice in this review now. Before this review, I think the last time I said it I was in Primary 6. Anyway, this is all build up for what I assume is going to be another smashing match. Looking at the line up now, and it's striking me again that two of these competitors are dead. Professional Wrestling is a scary business...
5.       Triangle Match for the WWE Tag Team Championship: Los Guerreros vs. Chris Benoit & Kurt Angle vs. Edge & Rey Mysterio (c).
Los Guerreros enter first. They lie, they cheat, they steal. Most importantly though, they WRESTLE, and do a damn good job of it. Then we get Benoit, who has one of the best entrance songs ever. It sounds like a Crippler Crossface. I hear it, and my face actually begins to hurt. Followed by his partner Angle. I don't watch TNA, but it's now just struck me that he probably doesn't use the same entrance music, which scares me a bit, because if he entered to anything you couldn't sing “YOU! SUCK!”over the top of, what would even be the point in being alive? I would imagine that life would be pretty boring without that. We then get Edge, wearing one of those tremendous coats of his, then his partner Rey Mysterio, who, for some reason, entered from the wrong side of the arena. Maybe he was out havin' a snout and forgot he was on soon, heard his music hit, and had to run in whatever way he could.
The six of them are now in the ring and ready to go, but are arguing over who goes first. Benoit and Mysterio are decided on. Love it. Rey hits a great hurricanrana. I dig it.
Loads of lovely moves before Rey tags Edge in, they do a double hip toss on Benoit before Benoit delivers some fierce chops to Edge's chest, and Benoit tags in Angle, who starts to get his arse booted by Edge. Angle inadvertently tags Chavo in, and Edge boots his arse too, before tagging his Luchador buddy Rey Mysterio back into the match to deliver more beatings to Chavo. Poor Chavo. Chavo tags in his brother Eddie, one of the best, most charismatic wrestlers ever. I love Eddie. He is the perfect seller. But he's getting a bit battered, so tags in Kurt Angle, who capitalizes on Mysterio, when he botches a reversal. He then tags Benoit in, who tears Rey apart before tagging Angle back into the match. Angle is a brute with Mysterio. As much as I often get tired of Mysterio, I'm starting to feel sorry for him, as right now, everyone just wants to beat the shit out of him. Angle's been squeezing his head and throat between his bicep and forearm for what seems like ten years, with Rey eventually managing to stand up and reversing two suplexes in a row, then dropkicking Angle TO FUCK. I looked away for a few seconds and when I looked back, Edge missed a Spear, and Benoit put him in a Crippler Crossface while Angle put him in an ankle lock at the same time. Unfortunately, this bit of submission genius is foild by Mysterio, delivering cool jumpy moves to Angle and Benoit, and it's a wee bit beastin'. Benoit ends up doing the triple German suplex to Edge, goes for the diving headbutt, before Eddie swoops in with a frogsplash. Benoit breaks the pin with his diving headbutt, then puts Edge in the Crossface, while Kurt Ankle Locks the fuck out of Eddie Guerrero. Chavo skelps Benoit with the belt whil the ref isn't looking and Angle breaks the hold. Benoit thinks that it was Angle who hit him. And that right there is a crackin' spot, because of the uncertainty in their relationship as tag partners. Wow. Such fabe, many Kay. If nothing else, seek out this match just to see Mysterio hit Chavo Guerrero a Hurricanrana outside the ring, and Chavo sliding for about ten feet. Edge spears Benoit and gets the pin, eliminating Benoit and Angle from competition, but, like 3-Minute Warning earlier, their elimination didn't stop them from delivering some whoop-ass on the remaining competitors, all while having a heated debate with each other as they leave the arena. Eddie and Chavo double team Edge, and it's wonderful. Dirtiest players in the game. Always. Chavo will never be quite the wrestler his brother was, but he's still great. Edge manages to Spear both of the Guerreros at once. This match is FULL of great spots. Love it. Rey hits Eddie a 619, then attempts a West Coast Pop, only to be ambushed by Chavo with the title belt, letting Eddie get the Lasso from El Paso locked in, causing Rey to tap out, and Los Guerreros win the titles.
Great match overall, with an even better result, but slightly underwhelming finish. I'd give this one a 7/10.
Backstage we see Kane and he seems to be doing really lazy press ups against a wall. But it's masked Kane, so he can do whatever the fuck he wants.
Christopher Nowinski comes out with a Harvard jacket on, and I really don't give a fuck what he has to say about being smarter than everyone. Maybe I would've at the time, but give me Bad News Barrett or Damien Sandow any day.
BUT HERE'S MATT HARDY.
As I said earlier, Matt is definitely the superior Hardy. He's got a mic in hand. He tells Nowinski that New Yorkers aren't stupid, merely losers. And that they are “sucking the Mattitude” out of him. He says he's choking worse than the Nicks. Professional wrestling is the only thing that resembles a sport I pay attention to, so I have no idea what that's in reference to. Maybe something that mattered in 2002. Chris says they're not losers, they're just too stupid to know better, so it's heel vs heel. The crowd don't know who to cheer for or boo. Matt resolves that they are losers AND stupid, and coins the term “loupid.” They shake hands and unite before Scott Steiner comes out. If he's here to defend these loupid people, I hope they don't give him a mic. Who am I kidding? Of course I want a Steiner promo. Fling it in me, am daft. No promo unfortunately, but he sets about the two of them. Absolutely squashing them. It's great. NOW HE HAS A MIC! Not for long though, just tells them to HOLLER!
Now the chamber starts to descend and we get the usual babble about it. We then see HBK backstage getting interviewed, it's hard to take him seriously when he's got that stupid wee bob haircut. His promo is cut short by Randy Orton with some breaking news. The fuck's this? He isn't whining. Still boring but. AW MY GOD,GO AWAY ERIC BISCHOFF. We then hear that song Saliva performed earlier, as we get clips of all the guys who are about to be in the Chamber match. This would be a lot more effective if it weren't at least the fifth time we've heard song, and the second or third time we've seen these clips.

HHH and Flair backstage now with Coach. HHH gets criticised for not being able to cut a promo, but I think he's great at them. Got a real intensity. He basically says he's not going to lose because he's an absolute fucking beefcake. Eric Bischoff's music is on now. Fuck Eric Bischoff. Aye, we know, you came up with the Chamber (did he really but? Can anyone verify that?). Do you know what? Fuck this match, I don't care about it. I just want the six competitors to come down to the ring and relentlessly beat the shit out of Bischoff. He tries to explain the match, but they put the match rules up on screen anyway, because he babbles a lot of shit. Skipping the intros as time is getting on a bit. This is what the match goes like:
6.       Elimination Chamber for the World Heavyweight Championship: Chris Jericho vs. Booker T vs. Kane vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Triple H (c).
Kicking off with Van Dam and HHH. Couldn't have a better start. Two of the best of all time about to lock horns in the first ever Elimination Chamber match. OHHHHHH YEEEEEEAAAAAH! Normal start, lock-ups, big punches from HHH and of course, the best kicks ever by RVD. HHH attempts a pedigree, but RVD flips him over the top rope... Excellent. Brawling outside the ring, and battering each other off of the steel. Brutal. Van Dam back in the ring hits a Rolling Thunder to HHH that can only be described as “tasty” before clotheslining him back into the ring, climbing to the top of Jericho's chamber, only to be attacked by Jericho from inside. RVD still on top, dominating HHH, when the first countdown begins. Lights flashing around, eventually stops on Y2J himself. RVD isn't phased, and continues to be on top. Excellent spot where RVD attempts a cross body to Jericho, only for Jericho to dodge, Van Dam to catch on to the cage, and then successfully hit the the cross body. HHH and Jericho then begin to work together with a view to eliminate RVD, they work him hard against the cage on the outside, followed by some vicious chops. RVD attempts to come back, only for his attempts to be thwarted again with HHH and Jericho working together, then HHH hitting a thunderous DDT on Van Dam, which Van Dam sells the only way he knows how: Perfectly. The next countdown begins, and Booker T is released from his chamber. He leathers HHH and Jericho then does a spin-a-rooni before going head to head with RVD. Great chemistry between the two of them. HHH comes back into the match, only to be hit with a Scissor Kick, shortly followed by Van Dam hitting a frogsplash from the top of the Chamber. RVD seems to have done himself some serious knee damage from the frogsplash, and is first to be eliminated with Booker T pinning him. Booker T hits a beautiful spinebuster to Jericho. Next countdown reveals the fifth entrant is the big red machine Kane! As always Kane is relentless and brutal. Kane delivers the first “Holy Shit” moment when he sends Jericho through the plexi-glass in the chamber. Booker T tries to stand up to Kane only to receive a low blow from Y2J, a chokeslam from Kane, a Lionsault from Jericho, and is then second to be eliminated. Kane STILL continues to dominate the match. This is why I love him. This is why the big red machine was my first favourite wrestler. Funny story: when I was about six or seven and watching LOADS of wrestling, I once made a sign to hold up while I was watching it which read: “KANE IS ON A RAMPAGE” Looking back now, I MUST have heard Jim Ross say that, because I cannot read it now without hearing it in his voice. Anyway, back to the match and Kane's still kicking hole. Another countdown and the final entrant, the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels enters. He has a good go at flinging punches at everyone in the ring except one... You guessed it, Kane. He does manage a reversal, but it seems that the blows he did receive from Kane, put him into quite a nast condition. Kane then proceeds to chokeslam HBK, HHH and Y2J, and those all just look like Post codes, but they are wrestlers, I promise. He picks HHH up for the Tombstone, but Hunter makes his way out, only for Kane to be hit with a Sweet Chin Music, a Pedigree and a Lionsault all in one. That's right, ALL THE FINISHERS. Jericho then pins Kane for the third elimination. Beautiful. HHH and Jericho then double team HHH's former partner HBK, and HBK is taking a HELL of a beating. It's brutal. Jericho and Shawn Michaels have always had some of the best in-ring chemistry in the world. The two of them are absolute masters. Jericho repeatedly tries to eliminate Michaels, but it just isn't for happening. Michaels locks in the Boston Crab on Jericho before being attacked by HHH, with a firm DDT. Y2J attempts a pin, before being pulled off by HHH, to whom he gives a HARD FUCKING SLAP and the two brawl until Jericho locks in The Walls Of Jericho, which seems like it will take out HHH before Michaels hits another Sweet Chin Music to break the hold, then eliminating Y2J, making the final two the ex partners in DX. And what a spectacle it is. Michaels attempts to Pedigree HHH before it is reversed and Michaels is catapulted into the glass. Michaels is wearing the Crimson Mask, yet still can't be pinned. The two engage in what can only be described as the most brutal game of punch-or-punch of all time, culminating in a facebuster. HHH attempts a pedigree outside of the ring, before Michaels reverses it and manages to catapult HHH into the chains on the side of the chamber. HBK climbs to the top of the chamber, hits a beautiful elbow drop, then gears up for the Sweet Chin Music, only for his attempt to be countered by HHH who hits an outstanding pedigree, only for Michaels to kick out at 2. His second attempt at a pedigree is blocked, and Michaels hits an excellent Sweet Chin Music for the win! The Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels, is the new champion.
Outstanding finish to an outstanding Pay-Per View. Loved every minute. Well, most of them, just not the ones with Eric Bischoff. Hope this blog was a decent read and that I might someday do another Throwback on this here blog.
Sgt. Rotter x

P.S. Fuck Eric Bischoff.