Awrite! Ma
name’s John, but folk that think am no bad call me Johnny, and this is ma first
attempt at reviewing a wrestling show, or reviewing anything to that point. Went to watch Smackdown back there and
discovered the TiVo box only recorded the last hour, which is heavy guttin’. So
basically half of this will be done from sheer memory and if I canny remember,
I’ll have a wee gander at watchwrestling.
As we arrive
at Smackdown, Dolph Ziggler is already making his way down to the ring, and
Lilian kindly informs us that the following is an Elimination Chamber
Qualifying Match, so ye know immediately Dolph won’t win. What a shame. What an underutilized gem of a wrestler. The Real American’s music hits, and the bold Antonio Cesaro appears, flanked as always by Zeb Colter. Look at that, we have
us a wrestling match.
Dolph Ziggler vs Antonio Cesaro
(Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match)
Absolute
stoater of a match. Right from the bell, big Tony flies at Dolph wi a dropkick
that Ziggler sells as if he’s been sniped instead ae dropkicked. Right tae that
sexy mush ae his. I thought we were getting treated to the quickest finish
since Sheamus/Dbry at Mania 28, but Dolph kicks out at 2, cos he’s Dolph
Ziggler, and no dropkick’s gonny keep him down for 3. A good 6 or 7 back and forth
roll up attempts are followed by a fame-asser by Dolph which brings a 2 count.
After a wee tango outside the ring, Dolph gets Cesaro back in and goes tae
try... suhin, but Cesaro catches him in mid-air and hits a tilt-a-whirl
backbreaker. Cesaro is one of the best wrestlers on the planet, and if ye don’t
agree, ye’ve got mummy issues. Cesaro goes tae grabbin’ at Dolph’s face and
hittin’ it aff turnbuckles, that isny sound mate. Then he hits a double
underhook suplex. No bad. A bit ae a flurry from Ziggler is halted by a
clothesline to the outside followed by getting flung heid first inty the
barricade. Ziggler makes it back in at 9 but gets a sleeper hold for his
troubles, he rallies only to jump heid first inty the turnbuckle. Shouldny dae
that wi aw they concussions, Dolph. Then, the mightiest of aw the spots. As
Dolph stands on the apron, Cesaro goes to the second rope, and fuckin deadlifts
Ziggy up and superplexes him back inty the ring. Wow, much strength. A few forearms from Cesaro, then Dolph swings
around inty a sleeper of his own, but Antonio powers out nae bother. Cesaro
goes for the uppercut but Dolph reverses inty that braw tornado DDT he does for
the near fall. Dolph looks strong, can it be? Is Ziggler going over strong and
onto the Chamber?! Naw. He goes for the Zig Zag but Cesaro duly tells him tae
bolt, then we aw know what’s coming. Time to go a swingin. Ziggler looks like
he’s hingin by the feet oot a plane windae. Cesaro hits the Neutralizer and
that’s that. Cesaro goes to the Chamber, Ziggler disny. Story of Dolph’s life.
Next we have us some Shield promo
time. I know this cos the music hit and there was nae match announced for them
apart from the main event, so aye. Ambrose starts us aff, and he looks fuckin
BEALING. He tells us that the Elimination Chamber is a match made for the
Shield, and that if they had won on Monday one of the three boays would have
walked out wi’ the shinys. It then appears as if he picks a fight wi Roman,
telling him he isny sorry for trying tae fuck him oot ae the Rumble, and when
Roman retorts with mutual feelings, Ambrose says “that’s cute” with a wee grin
and it made me go aw giddy. Roman squares up tae Dean before Rollins tells them
tae pack it in before he phones their maws. Rollins canny work a mic, but kudos
for trying kid. The good intentions are there. Basically, he calls the Wyatts
party-poopers for getting them DQ’d on Raw, and then tells Ambrose he’s the
greatest US Champ in history, but he’s defended it like twice. So naw. Ambrose
saves us aw from Seth’s snooze-fest and lays the request upon Bray and co. They
want the Wyatts at the Chamber. Vickie Guerrero comes out, and in the only good
thing Hunter has done since he shaved his napper, he comes out and kindly tells
her tae fuck off. He comes down and tells the Shield tae drap it, cos it isny
best for business, but Roman Reigns is having NONE AE THAT. He goes nose tae
nose wae Hunter, shame about Hunter’s nose but, cos it meant Roman was stood at
the opposite end ae the ring. Anyway, Paul Levesque shites it cos he disny want
speared, and makes it official. Wyatts vs Shield at Elimination Chamber. So
much yas.
Xavier Woods vs Fandango
I just don’t
see the point. They've brought Woods up from NXT to job to everycunt and their
cousin. He lasted longer than he did last time against Fandango, but ends up
getting pinned after he gets caught up on the top rope, and Fandango hits a
nice wee suplex slam for the win. Who cares, really? He goes to set about Woods
after the bell but R-Truth comes from commentary to send Johnny Curtis on his
jolly way. Catch.
PTP vs Ryback and Curtis Axel
Squash match
basically. Rybaxel take turns about at leatherin’ Darren Young. Ryback hits the
meathook clothesline, then Axel hits that shite neckbreaker for the win. This
was only to lead up to one of the awrite wee mid card heel turns I’ve seen
recently. Titus comes in and moans about how long Darren lasted and tries to
walk oot, but Darren gets the mic and tries to talk him round, but Titus gies
him the tankin’ of a lifetime. Boots tae the chest, stompin’, punchin’,
swinging aff the barricade. Titus O’Neil is a heel now. As Danny Cairney said
in relation to this, they should now call him Titus O’Heel.
Christian vs Jack Swagger
(Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match)
HE’S BACK.
Captain Charisma himself. Christian’s music hits and I fly inty an
uncontrollable orgasm. I love Christian, but I love his music more. Jack
Swagger got the jobber’s entrance for this, but Zeb was confident of a Real
Americans clean sweep. Nae bother Zeb. Swagger gets right tae work, knees to
the gut afore hoisting Christian up and launching him right err the top rope
down to the floor, Jack isny fucking aboot, eh? Zeb’s on commentary, and at one
point Cole gets aw hot under the collar and gies him some terrible patter about
how his signs are shite. Back in the ring, and Swagger gets a slap for his
cheek, before he fucks Christian about some more, and hitting the Swaggerbomb
for the two. Some mare knees to the gut, and Christian is getting leathered
here. He rallies but, and hits a tornado DDT, fuckin love them so I dae. Some
mare slaps followed by a diving dropkick, and a flying reverse elbow. He gets
the crowd hyped, only for Swagger to counter a Killswitch attempt with the
Gutwrench Powerbomb for the near count. Another Killswitch attempt blocked, but
then Christian counters a back suplex and runs at Swagger, only to be thrown up
in the air and caught by the ankle. Patriot Lock is in, but Christian counters
wi a roll-up. Christian goes up top, but Swagger follows and Christian punches
him back down. One wee Frog-Splash later and Christian is Chamber bound. Fuckin
yas. Ye’ve got one more match, but you’ll no win it, cos that match belongs to
DANIEL BRYAN.
Kofi Kingston vs Damien Sandow
Sandow wants
to prove a point, he’s no a loser. He goes about trying to prove that point by
getting beat off Kofi Kingston, who still hasn't got the title shot he's due.
Sandow sets about Kofi, side Russian leg-sweep and aw sorts, goes for a roll up
but Kofi rolls through and boots him really fuckin hard for the two count. Kofi
goes up top for a diving crossbody but eats the mat. Wee bit ae offence by
Sandow, but Kofi hits the SOS and that’s all she wrote. Sandow looks like he's slowly
slipping inty a deep depression. Never mind Damo, you’ll get a belt soon
enough.
Cody Rhodes vs Road Dogg
I pose this
question. With the current boom in the tag division... WHY THE FUCK ARE THE NEW
AGE OUTLAWS THE TAG CHAMPS IN 2014? I love them, awright, absolute heroes. But
naw. Naw. Get tae fuck. Give the Usos the belts, like, the morra.
Incidentally
enough, this was a no bad wee match, Road Dogg can still go a wee bit. He goes
right after the arm that Brock Lesnar raped wi a steel chair on Monday.
Wrapping it round the ropes and booting fuck out it, cos he turned heel a few
weeks ago... in 2014. Cody hits that wee twisty sunset flip type roll-up for
the two count, before they bang their heids together by accident. Just as Cody
gets a head of steam, Goldust runs round and challenges Billy Gunn to a duel,
but gets a clothesline for his troubles. Gunn then, for some reason, went on
the apron and Cody hut him a Disaster Kick cos he just clotheslined his big
brerr. Dogg tries the sneaky pin but Cody rolls through and hits the Disaster
Kick for the win. Then the 4 boys get tae square-goin’, before the Outlaws ran
like fuck.
The Shield stand in the ring,
awaiting their opponents in tonight’s main event. Instead... lights oot. The
Wyatt family appear on the titantron and promo gold happened. Bray addresses
the Shield by saying he admires their courage. War is his favourite game and he
can’t wait to see the white flags waving. Then something good happened. Like,
really good. Luke Harper came into focus, and I’ll fully quote him – “They reap
what you sew... You three boys... picked a beautiful hill... to die on.” I
fully shat myself. Bray tells them no to invite the devil into their yard,
because he might just decide to stay. Rowan emphatically tells the boys “Run.”
And that’s before the match even started. Ambrose looked genuinely terrified.
But the main event was about to start...
The Shield vs Daniel Bryan, Sheamus
and Rey Mysterio
Daniel Bryan
comes out to another rapturous ovation. “YES” rattles through the arena. If
this man isn't Champ going into Mania, I give the fuck up. Sheamus starts with
Rollins. A quick takedown by Sheamo followed by a big shoulder barge. Reigns
in. Roman out-powers Sheamus, but he hits Reigns a clothesline then a neckbreaker. Ambrose gets in and goes fuckin mental on Sheamus, but the big
fella turns the tide and clubs Ambrose's chest til it's no longer there. After
the break, Bryan gets in wi Rollins and now we get some gid action. Some kicks
by Bryan are followed by the surfboard, which looks awfy sair. Dbry tags in Rey
and he picks up the tempo for a bit. Nice hurricanrana, typical Rey stuff. Goes
for the 619 but Ambrose had tagged himself in and catches Rey with a
clothesline. Reigns gets in again and punches utter fuck ootae Rey, before
sending him sliding right oot the ring and heid first inty the announce table.
Flings him aff the barricade before screamin’ “Who’s the man?” You are Roman,
love ye big man. Rollins gets in and the batterin of Rey continues. Rollins
puts him up top and Rey counters the superplex attempt, and sends Seth inty the
middle turnbuckle. HOAT TAG. Reigns gets in but Rey got to DBry, he dodges a
Reigns clothesline and dropkicks Ambrose right on the gub. He gets to kickin
Reigns, before the clotheslines and some mare kicks, he misses wi the big yin,
but sends Reigns oot just tae hit some flying goat action on Ambrose. Sheamus
hits Rollins the irish curse backbreaker. Reigns returns and hits Sheamus the
Superman punch just to eat a diving dropkick off Bryan for the near count. Yes
lock broken up by Ambrose, but Sheamus pulls Dean oot and gets flung bad
shoulder first aff the ring post. Bryan tags in Rey. Seated senton. 619 set up,
but he dropkicks Rollins off the apron instead. Bryan hits Rollins with the
Running Knee outside. Reigns goes tae Powerbomb Rey, but he sets Roman up for
the 619 again! The faces are going ove- SPEAR! JESUS CHRIST he broke Rey in
half! 1-2-3. That’s that. The Shield exit through the crowd while Bryan checks
that aw ae Rey’s internal organs have stayed internal.
Aye, a
fuckin quality Smackdown. We don’t see enough of them. Bar the Xavier
Woods/Fandango pointlessness and a Rybaxel squash job, all was good in the
world of wrestling. Some absolutely crackin matches and a Wyatt Family promo that
means am no sleeping for aboot a week. Smackdown gets 8/10. Well deserved.