Pre-show: The Rhodes vs Ryback & Curtis Axel
I've nae immediate access to a replay of the pre-show, so I'll not be able to give a proper move-by-move analysis of this match. From what I remember, however, it was heavy awrite. Larry "The Axe" Hennig accompanied the Rybaxel boys to the ring. I think I heard Larry, at one point say "Listen you ya wee dick, I don't know who ye are, but where's that Dolph guy, I need tae see ma real grandson." Hard hitting stuff from the axe. Axel started greeting and went about trying to prove that he is, indeed, Mr Perfect's wean. The Rhodes looked good, as always, had some vintage Goldust. Cody moonsaulting folk aff the rafters, then they baith went flying to a cunt each on the outside. Axel worked his arse aff as always without showing any signs of forward progress. He just stayed the same. He'll always be the same. At the business end of the match, Goldy gets a heavy irish whip inty the barricade from Ryback, and the big guy runs at him, Goldy quite rightly says "fuck that" and jumps oot the road leaving Ryback to heider the barricade. Daft big bastard. Back in the ring, Cody has a Cross Rhodes attempt blocked and Axel goes for the Perfect-Plex. Nae chance. A wee back n forth, n Cody reverses Axel's -insert finisher name here- to hit the Cross Rhodes for the win. They share a hug afterwards meaning nae Rhodes brothers split. It's aw a sign of things to come.
Big E vs Jack Swagger (IC Title Match)
Good shit right here. When ye get two massive boays to get in the ring and throw a belt in the middle, yer going to get a stoater. That's what we got. Zeb cuts out the Real Americans music to tell us aw that Big E is the cause of the shite weather. Nae hassle. No time for your shit we got a wrestling match to watch. We start off with a test of strength, a wee shoulder takedown by Swagger, before Big E leaps over Jack and hits a shoulder barge of his own. These two cunts can move. Then Big E gets tae belly-to bellyin, magic when he does that. Swagger tries to avoid Big E's bulking man breasts at all cost, cos he knows as soon as they make contact with him, gem's a bogey. Looks like Big E is gonny maul Zeb at ringside. Swagger turns him round only to be shoulder barged right inty the ring post, bursting his internal organs in the process. Jack throws some Big Knees to Big E and gets the 2 count. E tries to get a head of steam but Swagger catches him with a smashin big boot. A front face lock from Swagger is countered into huge throw from E, before the clothesline each other in the middle of the ring. Some methodical work by Swagger until Big E hits that big clothesline, E goes for the splash but Swagger catches him in midair and hits a spinebuster. This is too braw. Swagger Bomb attempt caught and E has him in position for the Big Ending, but Swagger gets free and stands on the apron. Big E shouts "YOLO" at the top of his voice however and flies at Swagger's ribs sending both men crashing down onto the floor. Brilliant. Big E then inexplicably goes up top but Swagger gets up and launches him off. 2 count. A wee chop block followed by the Patriot Lock. Big E powers out and hits the Diddy Ride. That's right, I've named yon big blast he does with the man tits. Straps doon, surely it's over. Wait, wit? Patriot Lock again, he's gonny tap, new champ. HOLY FUCK. Swagger stood up while still in the Patriot Lock and hit a fucking huge Enziguire and then the Big Ending for the win. Great match btw, wee bit disappointed that Swagger didny get the belt, but what ye gonny do eh? Solid wrestling, brute strength from both in question, crackin chemistry between these two. And then...
Bad News Barrett's music hits, and evdy's like "YAS!". Well, I was anyway, don't know about you. He tells America that they're shite at the Winter Olympics cos Russia has more medals than them. Up ye America. If a close relative ever dies, I want Bad News Barrett to break it to me. No much to ask for.
A wee backstage segment with DBry getting inerviewed. He tells us his shoulder isny a hundred percent but he'll still batter evrrycunt in the Chamber trying to win those coveted belts. That's the spirit, Daniel. Yer ma hero brother.
New Age Outlaws vs The Usos (WWE Tag Team Title Match)
I should have loved this. One of my favourite tag teams of all time against easily one of my favourites on the current roster. Unfortunately this was one of the outcomes that had be raging. We start off with some hip tosses from Jimmy to Billy, Jimmy goes for a Superkick but Billy ducks and slides out the ring. Road Dogg runs at Jimmy but he eats a hip toss anawl before avoiding a Superkick and swiftly exiting the ring. The Usos are like "Mon we'll take aff" and tease at some flyin Usos, but they stop at the ropes because the Outlaws ran like fuck. Jey and Dogg get in as the legal men and in nae time Dogg starts dancing and Jey goes "Two can play at that game" before doing a wee jig himself. Dogg's had enough of the games and gets tae ragdollin Jey. He tags in Gunn who gets the two count. CM Punk chants. Some high tempo stuff from Jimmy, Samoan Drop and then he goes for yon thing Umaga used to dae, but Dogg pulls Billy out the way, Jimmy is having none ae it but and hits a flying Uso to Road Dogg. Billy hits a big clothesline outside the ring. Gunn goes for the fame-asser, but Jimmy avoids it and hits a Superkick for 2. Jimmy goes up top, but jumps over Billy, catches Dogg with a kick on the way back, but Billy rolls him up for the win. Disa-fucking-pointing. The Usos should have those belts. Pure shite. Fuck off.
#BNB arrives again to tell us in the #YESMovement that oor DBry has nae chance in the Chamber cos of his injury and that we'll aw turn on him. No chance Wade. Away ye go.
Titus O'Neil vs Darren Young
Meh. No really much to talk about, went down as I thought it would. Mainly dominant display by Titus. Cracking wee spot where Darren hits a neckbreaker on the apron. The writing was on the wall from the start however, and Titus hits the Clash of the Titus for the win. I had high hopes for this match. It didny deliver. Ah well.
More Bad News! He slags aff the Minnesota American Fitba team, before basically telling us that he's better than Hulk Hogan and I'm ecstatic about that. Love Barrett, hate Hogan. It's basic thuganomics mate.
Now it get's interesting lads.
Shield vs Wyatts (get yer throw cushions to cover yer raging stauners)
Second time watching this. The Shield's music hits and for the second time the goosebumps are out in force. My god. Know whit? Scrap this. I've too little time to review all of this as part of the full show, so later on, I'm gonny do a review completely about this match. I'm just gonny enjoy this one more time before I have to pause and type constantly.
Renee Young stops Christian backstage and asks for a few words. Christian replies "You're a ride" and tries to walk away, but Renee wants a comment on the Chamber match. Christian tells her he's a dangerous Canadian, and he's gonny win the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, then come back and give her a quickie later. Christian is the man. Renee is soakin'. Deano Ambrose won't be too impressed with Captain Charisma gawn wan ten on his burd but.
AJ Lee vs Cameron (Divas Title Match)
AJ is looking fiiiiine tonight. She comes out and tells us that she disny think she should be defending the belt tonight because there's nae competition. She gets cut out by Cameron's music in the fashion that should make us think "Ayyy, there's some competition" but naecunt cared. Naecunt will ever care. AJ looks about as if to say "Wit you daein ya skutter?" And we have ourselves a wrestling match... This was really shite. Forsome reason this cow dominated AJ and it was an absolute dirgrace. It was always gonny end the way it did, via DQ. Outside the ring, Cameron grabs AJ and as Tamina goes to Superkick Cameron, she catches AJ instead, Cameron puts AJ back in the ring and goes for the pin, but Tamina makes up for her humdinger ae a mistake and pulls Cameron out for a beatdown. AJ DQ'd but still champion. Tension but, AJ vs Tamina at Wrestlemania.
Bad News Barrett makes yet another appearance and tells us that the WWE Network will be the cause of our houses to become absolute shiteholes. No in Britain but, cos we're no getting it. Fuck America.
Khali and Los Matadores gieing Santino a riddy in front of the beautiful Emma. Lads, ye don't embarrass a bro in front of the burd he's trying tae pump. No cool at all.
Bootista vs Alberto Del Hero
Batista arrives to a sea of boos. Good. Then Alberto appears, fully clothed with a neckbrace and crutches. He gives some speil about being unable to compete, and then sets the fuck about Batista with then crutches. And the crowd fuckin LOVE it. Alberto Del Hero. The bell rings and Batista basically no sells the melting he just received. The crowd start chanting "Bootista" and I hut the flair laughing. Wonderful. Alberto gets back in control and gets to working on Batista's shoulder. Every time Batista gets going, Alberto keeps reversing. The crowd are firmly behind him. But they, like myself, couldn't give a fuck either way. "Y2J" "CM Punk" "We want Lesnar". ADR should have had him with an enziguire but Bootista got his daft haund on the rope. Del Rio exposes a turnbuckle so ye know it's about time Batista gets tae winning. Spear brings a near fall. Big clotheslines, but Del Rio counters a powerslam with the back stabber for 2. Huge spinebuster brings another sea of boos. Del Rio counters the Batista Bomb with his wee kick. These fans are digging Del Rio btw. They're aw chanting "Si" in anticipation of the cross-armbreaker. Batista sends him off the exposed turnbuckle and hits the Bomb for the win. Tell ye whit, I didny hate it. Competitive enough to keep me interested, Del Rio looked strong as fuck and Batista no so much.
Elimination Chamber Match (WWE WHC)
This lasted about an hour so I'll just be covering the eliminations and the soul destroying end that reducedc me to physical tears. Fuck WWE so much. John Cena, Christian, Randy Orton and Daniel Bryan are in the pods. That means it's Cesaro and Sheamus to start. Here we fucking go.
- Elimination 1 - not long before this, Cesaro swung Orton about 30 times btw, no exaggeration, thought I'd stick that in there. About half an hour in and all 6 men were in by this point. Sheamus tried to put Christian through a pod, but the sneaky Canadian climbed on a pod. Sheamo follows him up but Orton gets a hold of Sheamo and superplexes him. Christian then frog splashes the fuck out Sheamus from the top of the pod for the elimination.
- Elimination 2 - almost immediately after the first, Orton goes after Christian and attempts the middle rope DDT, but Christian counters and RUNS RIGHT INTO THE RUNNING KNEE. See ye later Christian! Bryan makes the elimination.
- Elimination 3 - Cesaro hit a fuckin German on Cena while Bryan was up for the AA. Near fall. Cena recovers cos he's John Cena, hits the AA on Cesaro to the steel, then locks in the STF where Cesaro taps instantly. Bastard.
- Elimination 4 - What? Cena had the STF in on Orton. Then... LIGHTS OOT. WIIIIIIIIT. They're setting about Cena! Sister fuckin Abigail. The Wyatt boayzies then leave, Orton covers Cena for elimination number 4. That leaves...
Daniel Bryan vs Randy Orton. We all knew what was gonny happen. No matter how much I had hoped n prayed for Bryan to take the belts, it never looked possible. Kane came out to tell Bray and Co. to bolt, but Bryan attacks him. Orton goes after Bryan, but the beard counters and kicks utter fuck out Orton's chest before some dropkicks. It might happen yet... nut. Top rope back suplex brings a 2 count. Bryan goes up top, Orton's too quick but and hits the DDT off the second turnbuckle. RKO time. Bryan avoids... RUNNING KNEE! OH MY FUCK! ONE, TWO, BASTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD. Kane, you can fuck the fuck off. He pulled the ref out. Cunt! Orton with the RKO but Bryan kicks out at two! He's still gonny do this! He's setting it up! Another running knee? FUCK! Kane hits Bryan again and Orton hits the RKO to retain. Get this to absolute fuck. I was greeting. Watching it again I'm just fucking raging. We need to suffer Batista vs Randy Orton in the main event of Wrestlemania people. If that doesn't make you want to boycott it, I don't know what will. Yet another horror show by Creative. The fans are in total disbelief, and rightly so.
Listen but lads, this was an absolutely brilliant PPV. Some cracking matches all round. Big E and Swagger being mean as fuck. The 6 man tag, that will get it's own post later on, and the Chamber itself, despite the somewhat inevitable outcome. I give the Elimination Chamber a roaring 9/10. Here's hoping Mania can be saved. Unfortunately, with the main event, I really can't see it. Not to mention the fact that Hogan is hosting it. Ae.
RAW tonight is set to see Hogan make an appearance and Undertaker returning to start his Wrestlemania storyline. Surely that'll be no bad. I hope something happens which means Batista drops his title shot to Bryan, the title picture just isn't right, and WWE knows it. They'll lose fans if they don't sort their shit soon. Catch.