Here's the dealio. I wasn't at Fear and Loathing. My good friend and long time tormentor Daniel Cairney was, and as such, I was promised a review of the show. He also promised me a Spacebaws review, but as of yet, after all this time - there is no Spacebaws review. So understandably so, I was skeptical that this would even happen. But fuck. Less than 24 hours after the show, and despite the fact that ICW - On Demand launched this morning (for the very reasonable price of £3.75 or $5.99 per month, get it bought or I'll fuckin end ye), here is a Fear and Loathing review in it's entirety. I know, I didn't believe it either. Anyway, I hand over to Danny boy, cos the pipes, the pipes are calling, from glen to glen, in anticipation of a Fear and Loathing VII review. Here we, here we, here we fucking go.
"The maniac's in, replacin' the doctor..." Wee Eminem reference for ye there. Daniel Cairney here for a review of ICW's biggest show of all time, Fear & Loathing VII in the Barrowlands, because Johnny was too much of a fanny to buy tickets. This night was absolutely wonderful and delivered everything a wrestling show should have - drama, intensity, Wrestlemania-esque video packages (fuck Wrestlemania, in a few years, these will be referred to as “Fear & Loathing-esque video packages”), not to mention some fantastic wrestling. So let's get cracking on with it then.
Mark Dallas and Co. Make A Few Announcements
So, after Billy Kirkwood gives us his inimitable patter to get us all excited (not that we needed it) Mark Dallas came down to the ring, greeted with a “Thank You Dallas” chant, to which he responded “No, thank YOU”. He then informed us that his chokebombing colleague, Sweeney, is now a father, as his missus gave birth at 12 o'clock that day, resulting in the Barrowlands chanting “He's The Daddy” at him. All of a sudden, the smile dropped from Dallas' face and he asked Sweeney if he should “Do that thing” they talked about earlier, Sweeney approved and Dallas decided to shoot on Vince McMahon for launching the WWE Network in the UK on the same day as ICW's On Demand service, when it wasn't originally supposed to be launched until later on, while he said he looks up to Vince for a lot of things, he does not think it is right that Vince would try to bury “the little guy” in such a way. Everyone went crazy for this, cementing that ICW is to WWE and TNA what ECW was to WWF and WCW in the late 90's, the true alternative in professional wrestling. Dallas was set to leave the ring, when his colleague, Chris Toal, requested that Dallas tell these people “THE WHOLE! FUCKIN! STORY!” so, Mark Dallas announced that ICW would be BACK IN THE BARROWLANDS ON MARCH 29TH! Wrestlemania night, ICW will host “BARRAMANIA”, unless I misheard Dallas and it's “BARRYMANIA” and it's just Wolfgang Gorilla pressing jobbers into the crowd for three hours. Either way, I'm buying tickets. But anyway, on with the wrestling!
Kenny Williams (c) vs Joe Hendry vs Kid Fite vs Big Damo (Zero-G Championship Match)
This match began with Kid Fite bringing out Leah Owens and Courtney, saying that if he could make the whole of the Barrowlands do a Mexican Wave, these girls were going to show their Thrupenny Bits to us all, the audience of course complied, and just as we were ready for some TV-14 Titty Flashing, which, had he been there, would've made Dean Ambrose's head explode, Joe Hendry came out and interrupted, cos, you know, he makes things better... apparently. Damo then came out with a Father Ted inspired Titantron, Kenny soon followed with more Marty McFly inspired antics, this time dressing like Marty in the second installment of the series. LIGHT UP TRAINERS, HOVERBOARD AND EVERYTHING. Kenny Williams is our Dolph Ziggler, that fan favorite who everyone in the audience loves and always wants to see succeed, and so far, he's doing a pretty good job of succeeding, he's on a fantastic run right now and I hope it keeps up because the guy is ridiculously talented and charismatic. So the match began with Fite, Damo and Kenny all staring down Joe, who quickly disappeared to the outside, so Damo soon followed and the two brawled outside while Kid Fite and Kenny shook hands and engaged in some quality wrestling on the inside, if there's one thing Kid Fite doesn't get enough credit for it's his scientific, catch-as-catch-can style wrestling, he might be known for tea-bagging and the all-out brawling style, but make no mistake, that guy can grapple with the best of them. This match was pretty fast paced, and hard to keep up with, but there were a few amazing spots, and it has to be said, most of them came from Joe Hendry, that guy is destined for great things too, he performed his Freak Of Nature Fallaway Slam to the 3 other competitors in this match, and did so with great ease. As well as this, he performed that new finisher he's been doing called the Christmas Gift (which he informed me in the Cathouse afterwards, because we're best friends of course) which shows off his athleticism a hell of a lot more than the Fallaway Slam, on Kenny Williams. Another great spot came from Damo, who had Hendry on his shoulders, then Kenny attempted a cross-body on the two only to be caught by Damo, who performed a Fallaway Slam of his own on the two gentlemen. At one point, I thought Hendry had the match won, as Timm Wylie came down to the ring wielding a steel chair, however, Kenny seen this coming and sent Hendry into the chair before rolling him up and retaining the championship.
Winner - Kenny Williams
After the match, Damo and Fite both shook Kenny's hand and gestured that they should grab a drink together, as Joe Hendry walked up the ramp in disgrace.
Stevie Boy and Kay Lee Ray vs Liam Thomson and Carmel Jacob (2 out of 3 falls)
The Wee Man introduced this match in what can only be described as being the most heartfelt promo ever to feature the word “cunt” at least six times. The match began in a way that almost made me cry, as Liam Thomson craftily rolled up Stevie Boy with a small package for the first fall within the first 5 seconds of the bell ringing.
Winner of the first fall – Liam Thomson & Carmel Jacob
This was a shock to me and a lot of others, in fact someone behind me was legitimately raging until he remembered it was a 2 out of 3 falls match. Liam Thomson dominated a lot of this match when he was in the ring with Stevie, but as he always does, Stevie managed to fight back, and gain a bit more momentum, however, Liam picked Stevie up for an electric chair driver, which Stevie managed to reverse into a roll up pin of his own to tie the score.
Winner of the second fall – Stevie Boy & Kay Lee Ray
As great as the action was between Stevie and Liam, the match got to it's most exciting moments when Kay Lee and Carmel were tagged in, as there are few others with the same amazing in-ring chemistry as these two. If anyone wants to get rid of any stigma involved with women's wrestling, all they need to do is watch any match that involves these two. Something I enjoy about these two is that as well as their technical style, they aren't afraid to really beat the shit out of each other. The match came to a close when Carmel grabbed Kay Lee who was positioned on the top rope, and DDT'd her flat onto the canvas. SUCK IT RANDY ORTON. Carmel then covered Kay Lee for the win.
Winners - Liam Thomson & Carmel Jacob
Despite winning the match, Liam and Carmel were still dismayed and decided to deliver a beating to Stevie and Kay Lee Ray, this however, was cut short, when that old familiar rave music began to ring through the Barrowlands once again, it was the returning DAVEY BOOOOOOOOOOOOY! He delivered a fantastic spear to Liam Thomson, before getting a slap in the face from Carmel, who he then picked up as him and Stevie delivered a picture perfect 3D, allowing Kay Lee to hit a Swanton Bomb. Stevie and Kay Lee may have lost the match, but they confirmed that Bucky is thicker than water with such a triumphant return from Davey.
New Age Kliq vs Sumerian Death Squad
This is the match that I looked forward to the most, and while when that's the case you normally end up slightly disappointed (Scottish mentality), this match was everything I wanted it to be and a fuck load more. Before the entrances, we were treated to a brilliant video package, documenting the ongoing rivalry between the Sumerian Death Squad and the New Age Kliq, set to The Fight Song by Marilyn Manson. After this, the NAK made their entrance. Renfrew, Divers and Darkside all looked ready for a brawl, but hold on, where are the Sumerian Death Squad? Where is that long, droning guitar feedback followed by that amaaaaaaazing hardcore riff that lets you know people are imminently going to be getting kicked in the head? Nope. None of that, instead a girl with some skeletal Halloween face paint walked out singing a haunting, unaccompanied version of the Pixies' classic Where Is My Mind? While I enjoyed it and feel it went perfectly with what was about to happen, I think some people found this to be somewhat hokey, and the girl received some boos, which was pretty unfair, I accidentally bumped into her in Cathouse n said sorry and she said “Aw naw, it's cool.” So she's a lovely person and you can get it up ye if you boo'd her. Pricks. But anyway, Tommy End walked out through the curtain, followed by Michael Dante carrying a large bodybag to the ring. At first, I thought this was just a prop, and was probably filled with yard trimmings (wee Simpsons Movie reference for ye there), and was just for show, but as they laid it out in the ring and it became a focal point of the match, predictions were running throughout the Barrowlands, with most people thinking it could be BT Gunn, while this would have been a nice touch, it would've meant that we probably wouldn't have seen BT Gunn vs Wolfgang, which was another eagerly awaited match of the night. I realized that this was probably not the case though, as it eerily sat up in the middle of the ring, this must have been something bigger than just “we took out your team mate”... The bag was then unzipped to reveal...
Naw.
It canny be.
Not now.
Not like this.
This is too good.
It was... MIKEY FUCKING WHIPLASH making his first appearance in ICW since March! I won't lie and say that I know why Mikey's been gone for so long, because frankly it's none of my business, but he's back, and badder than ever, he's got the old leather and facepaint on. This is officially my new biggest mark out moment ever. Surprise Devitt at the ABC was brilliant, but I hadn't been following his career enough at the time to be really amazed by it. Drew's return was brilliant, but when the lights went out, I was 99% sure that's who it was going to be. Mikey Whiplash returning to give a hand to the Sumerian Death Squad was my favorite because I had absolutely no idea that's who it was going to be. But anyway, on with the match. The 6 men all began to brawl with each other, with massive kicks and clotheslines flying everywhere. This was a war, a war that had me gripped, almost crying with excitement. You can tell how well Mikey works with Tommy and Dante as he began performing some of the excellent tag moves in the style of those that Dante and End normally do, with a Death Valley Driver landing an opponent (this was a war, I canny mind who it was cos it was fucking chaos) onto Tommy End's knees. It was amazing to see this fire in Mikey Whiplash in front of the sold out Barrowlands, he looked better than ever and was wrestling with an amazing intensity that I and many others around me were absolutely captivated by. Another man who deserves a mention here is Chris Renfrew, while he's always been one of my favorite guys in ICW, he's came on leaps and bounds even since the beginning of this year, it's amazing to see him prove that he can actually work, and he's not just a guy who swings chairs. Both teams were looking strong as fuck in this match. Remember how great The Shield vs The Wyatt Family was this year? Think that, only better, and you have how great this match was. The finish for this match came with Mikey Whiplash performing a full nelson suplex to Dickie Divers who sold it fucking beautifully. 1-2-3. Winner.
Winners - The Team of Tommy End, Michael Dante and Mikey Whiplash
Johnny piping in. This is the only time I'll do so. When I heard word that Whiplash had joined the Sumerian Death Squad, it was the most I had ever marked out at something I didn't personally witness. Fucking genius.
BT Gunn vs Wolfgang
Another great video package opened this match, detailing the rivalry between Wolfgang and BT Gunn. This is probably my favorite rivalry in wrestling today, they always put on stellar matches, some of the best drama I've seen. They know each other so well that they can put on an amazing match every time, and this was no exception. BT made his entrance, no NAK back up, then, there were sounds of a motorbike engine revving up, Duran Duran started playing and out rides Wolfgang on a fucking motorcycle, this was a great touch, clearly establishing that Wolfgang was the hero in this match. He was a rebel with a cause, and that cause was flattening BT Gunn. As Simon Cassidy announced that the match was scheduled for One Fall... Wolfgang grabbed the microphone from his hand and whispered in his ear, Simon Cassidy then let us know that as per Dallas' orders, the match was a Last Man Standing match. This made me immensely happy, because I knew that if the NAK did decide to get involved in the match, they couldn't cost Wolfgang the match. This match was an incredible brawl. Superkicks, Gorilla Presses, Spears, Swantons, EVERYTHING. This match was immensely exciting, with Wolfgang dominating the match from the get-go, until BT Gunn retaliated with some superkicks, and really got himself going, there were several times when both men had their opponents down for a count of 8 or 9, but I was certain that Wolfgang was winning this match. I was also amazed that the NAK didn't get involved with the match. This full match had too many amazing spots to remember, but the final spot was definitely the best, as Wolfgang hoisted BT Gunn on his shoulders on the top rope and delivered a fantastic powerbomb. This was a tremendous way to finish the match, as the referee reached the ten count with both men still on the mat.
Result - Draw
Following the match, the NAK came down to ringside to make sure that BT Gunn was still alive, and the Buckys and Kay Lee Ray did the same for Wolfgang. Wolfy got on the mic while being restrained by his friends, stating that he was fed up of the NAK always being at Booty's side, and stated that to ensure they will not get involved the next time Wolfy and BT meet at the Square Go, they will be wrestling, inside a steel fucking cage.
Polo Promotions vs Paul London and Brian Kendrick (c) (Tag Team Championship Match)
This is a match I was really looking forward to beforehand, especially with the possibility of Polo Promotions becoming Tag Team Champions, it would be refreshing to see them with the tag titles, as I feel putting it on a fresher team would help to build the tag division in ICW. I'm not sure if it was echoed all over the room, but where I was standing, I was in the heart of a tremendous amount of animosity aimed in Jackie Polo's direction. Naturally, with me being a bit of a dick, I was going all heely with the “There's Only One Jackie Polo” chants. People say that Jackie Polo uses cheap heat too much, but the thing about it is that it works, he gets more heat than anyone else on the roster because the fans all see him being as much of a dick as possible in the ring and on the mic. He knows you hate him and he does not give a single fuck. Him and Mark Coffey made their entrance to Polo's theme with DCT and Coach Trip standing on the stage, hand on heart chanting “POLO PROMOTIONS”, after this, London and Kendrick entered, London did his famous Intrepid Traveler entrance and hugged everyone he seen, while Kendrick went straight to the ring, with a mean look in his eyes, you could tell he meant business. In fact, while London was only about 2 thirds of the way around the room, Kendrick instructed the ref to ring the bell and start the match. Spanky and Coffey started off with some fantastic chain wrestling, while Jackie Polo stood on the apron getting heat for... well, for being Jackie Polo I suppose. Always irks me a bit when people aren't paying attention to the amazing wrestling going on in the ring and instead choose to try and make it all about the chants. Just watch the fucking wrestling, if yer gonnae chant, chant for/against the ones that are actually wrestling. Anyway, I'll get on with no being a whiny bitch now. Jackie Polo was tagged in and did 3 scoop slams in a row, it was excellent, because, that's his favorite wrestling manoeuvre of all time, y'know? Londrick soon gained more momentum though, with a Sliced Bread followed by a London Press, only for the pin to be broken up. In all honesty, due to what followed, I forget the finish, but I do know that Mark Coffey and Jackie Polo are the new ICW Tag Team Champions.
Winners - Polo Promotions
In all honesty, with London and Kendrick appearing at Fear & Lothian, I didn't think Polo Promotions were going over here, it was a great choice for the sake of building a stronger tag division. After the match, Polo congratulated Coffey as he walked back up the ramp, before saying that he asked Lionheart to come and wrestle him at the Barrowlands, but that Lionheart refused, however, Lionheart's music hit, and out he came, climbing that top rope and smelling the air in the sold out Barrowlands. He started off by saying he was not yet ready to wrestle and then cut an emotional, very personal promo where he said that he thought if Polo really wanted to hurt him emotionally, he could have done a bit better, he pulled a photo out of his pocket of himself when he was very young, taken on the day he was adopted, because the woman that gave birth to him left him on a doorstep. He then mentioned his ex-girlfriend of 4 years who gave everything up so that he could be happy, only for him to break her heart by having an affair with a married woman, and then finally, a newspaper article on his time as a prison guard when he posed as an inmate in order to get methadone. This was real, this was hard hitting, this had the same intensity and unease that promos between The Rock and John Cena had. Genuine dislike for each other, he then said something about how November 2nd, 2014 was the day that Lionheart came to the sold out Barrowlands, told Jackie Polo he wasn't ready to wrestle... AND HE FUCKING LIED. Lionheart started swinging for Jackie Polo and the two engaged in a brawl. Polo attempted to lift Lionheart up for a Styles Clash, the move that broke Lionheart's neck, but Lionheart reversed it and used The Final Moment on him, before telling him that he's made it official with Mark Dallas. Jackie Polo and Lionheart will face each other at BARRAMANIA.
Joe Coffey vs Noam Dar (Fifth and Final Match in Best Of Five Series)
It's a massive claim in a match as technically sound as this to say that it was made by the entrances, but this really was. Joe Coffey entered first, with Captain America body paint and Iron Man face paint, AND FINALLY USED IRON MAN AS HIS ENTRANCE MUSIC. As great as this was, what followed it was even better, as Noam Dar had an intro video in the style of the beginning of Star Wars, that included such gems as referring to ugly burds as “Chewbaccas” and I believe using “C-3PO” as slang for drugs. He then came through the curtain with a lightsaber, a jacket with “L. Skywalker” printed on the back and Chris Toal dressed as Yoda. The Dar Wars were on. As per usual this match started with AW THE WRESTLING. This time was really interesting though, as there was more of a degree of animosity in the match, both men looked vicious in their pursuit of victory. At one point Noam Dar was on the outside and Joe Coffey just waited in the ring, willing to take the victory by count-out because this was no longer about “Who can do the most armbar variations?” or “Who does the best bridging suplex?” this was about winning, by any means necessary. This was just like the amazing matches between Cesaro and Sami Zayn. In fact, there was one particular spot that reminded me of a match between those two, and that was Joe Coffey hitting his finisher discus lariat, only for Noam Dar to KICK OUT AT ONE. Another great thing about these two is that as well as knowing how to work each other, they know how to work a crowd, that was obvious when Noam dodged a dropkick which then took out the referee, and while he was down, Joe grabbed a steel chair. Throughout any kind of face-vs-face feud built on mutual respect, there is always the question of “Who's going to turn heel and when?” It looked like now might be the time for Joe to revert back to his nasty old ways, but that was not to be, as Toalda (Chris Toal dressed as Yoda) saved the day using the force. Joe dropped the chair but dropkicked Toal anyway. Joe ended up hitting three or four discus lariats in a row in order to get the pinfall and win the match, and the series.
Winner - Joe Coffey
Following the match, the two shared an embrace in mutual respect.
Grado vs Sha Samuels
This match started with a Scottish Pride video package that featured things like Billy Connolly, Still Game, Scotland scoring into England, Burnistoun etc. All the things that make ye actually like Scotland, no Bagpipes n Edinburgh Castle n aw that garbage. This match was hard hitting, big chops, big slams, in fact, Grado even done an F5 while Like A Prayer was still playing. Gutted I wasn't closer to the front and couldn't chop Sha Samuels when Grado dragged him round the barrier. I think Sha Samuels is brilliant, but I hate that he calls me a Fackin Mag all the time. Well, get it up ye, yer just a shite Danny Dyer. Lookin' hungry there Sha, fancy a Roll N Slice? Here, Grado will gee ye about 4. I realize that my own nationalistic pride is probably getting in the way of what actually happened a bit here, so I'll try and sort that. There was a lot of back n forth between these two, and I was never sure who was going to win, that was all until someone else got involved... That someone was The Guv'nor, Martin Stone. I really enjoyed Martin Stone's match against Jack Jester at Shug's Hoose Party, because the two of them just knocked fuck out of each other, looked more like a fight down the pub or on the train than a wrestling match, and that's what I liked about it, it looked like a real brawl, none of they big “trash cans” that break like Coke cans, this guy can give a beating, so when he came down to the ring with a chair in hand I knew there was gonnae be A FACKIN FAIGHT. Grado was sent into the steel chair, but managed to kick out of a pinfall attempt from Sha, but when Martin Stone hit a top rope DDT, that was it. 1-2-3, and the Barrowlands were fucking raging. CANTS.
Winner – Sha Samuels
Jack Jester vs Drew Galloway (ICW Heavyweight Championship Match)
This was touted as being The Biggest Match In Scottish Wrestling History, and that is no exaggeration, this was our Hogan vs Andre, our Rock vs Austin, our CM Punk vs John Cena. I'm not exaggerating when I say watching this match actually made me feel slightly uncomfortable, mostly because of how real it felt, you'd be forgiven for forgetting that wrestling is scripted and pre-determined during a match like this. As they entered, you could see how much the match meant to both of them, Jester was in new black ring gear, which went hand in hand with him being badder than ever. As well as this, Jester looked a lot leaner than before, you could tell he had been putting in a lot of time in the gym so he could give his best in this match. Again though, this was a match where you can forget about wristlocks and armbars, there wouldn't be any chinlocks or dragon sleepers. This was a fight, and it was a bloody violent one. I'll admit, it was pretty difficult to keep up with this match due to about 80% of it taking place in the audience, so I had to try and follow it on the big screens, which was still quite difficult due to the constant moving and fast pace, but there were a few key moments that I managed to catch, those being the brawl at the bar, where Jester and Galloway beat the living shit out of each other within about 5 minutes of the bell ringing, and Jester was already busted wide open. Eventually they worked their way around to the side of the stage where Jester skelped Drew with a table, before laying him out on said table and delivering a fierce elbow drop onto a prone Drew. By the time they made it back to the ring though, it really was anyone's guess who was going to win this one, both men were looking strong, and it was finisher Central, as Jester delivered a tombstone and the elevated pedigree, but both only managed 2 counts. At one point, Galloway delivered a tombstone of his own and it looked absolutely devastating, I was sure that had won the match, but it wasn't to be as Jester managed to kick out. Eventually, Drew managed to hit the Futureshock DDT for the 3-count.
Winner – Drew Galloway
After the match, the two stared at each other, before shaking hands and embracing each other. They both brought their A-game and the fans all knew and respected that. A lot of people expected, myself included, that Chris Renfrew would be waiting in the wings, but for that night anyway, it was not to be.
This night gets a perfect 10/10 from me. Great wrestling, great showmanship, great surprises (MIKEY FUCKING WHIPLASH) and a great, SOLD OUT crowd.
Thank you, Dallas.
Johnny again. Cheers to Danny for a cracking review and to echo what he said - thank you to Mark Dallas for giving us the very best wrestling on the planet, accept no substitutes. Insane Championship Wrestling took over the Barrowlands. Sold it out. In my eyes, Scotland is dominated. England has been dominated. "Where does it end?" you may ask. The answer is never. Europe? America? Asia? Africa? Australia? One step at a time of course, but it's been said many times, ICW is taking over the fucking world. You better believe that, and you better get used to it.
Give Danny a follow on twitter @danielcairney even though his patter's shite. Give the new facebook page for this here blog a like by clicking on this link and awaiting the glorious things that will be shared there in due course. And of course you can follow me on twitter, even though my patter is horrendously shite, @HEELMcnab.
(As always, credit to the irreplaceable David J. Wilson for the photo of Dallas, Toal & Sweeney.)